Time to Return to Center

Every now and then, I get more and more frenetic and am constantly doing things but not really getting anything of substance (read: money, quality time, healthy stuff) done. I become a shell of a man, a shadow of my former usual self. I have to pull it together to get through a day or a call.

For example, just this morning, we both happened to be at our desks like “the old days” earlier this year. Beautiful had limited time to do things and had a hospital bill for me to review and call them on speakerphone so we could both figure out what was owed. One crap thing after another with people on phones sent me into a spiral that ended with my throwing my arms up in the air saying “I can’t deal with this now,” with a moderately raised voice becoming of the toddler running around here lately.

Losing my center

Echoing the beginning, every now and then, we have a little talk one way or another (usually it’s me in the hot seat because I’m so disconnected from my feelings) to figure out what is bothering me. It’s not unheard of for a statement like this to happen: “I don’t think you know what is bothering you right now, but something is,” with the implication that I’d best get to the activity of figuring it out. I can be sulky, frustrated, depressed (not so much since I started on anti-depressants for my appetite), or downright mad at seemingly nothing for hours or even days before the reason comes to the surface.

I express trauma or stress before my consciousness is aware of the mechanism causing the expression. It’s simply how I’m wired. It’s times like this I waffle between wishing this was still an anonymous site to say anything and everything (it’s cheaper than therapy) and glad I have people who know me learning more about me.

Finding my center

Thankfully, in recent months, I think we’ve figured out what I need to have a balanced life. Turns out, I haven’t been doing about 90% of them. That’s a failing grade. I’m going to do better, so the next time you see me, ask me if I’m doing more of my “balance checklist.”

• treatments – that’s a given, though I miss more evening treatments when I’m off my center than normal. Right now, I’m 100% AM and about 60% evening.
• walks/runs – just haven’t been happening. While it’s fun for a while, Boy has sucked the fun out of morning walks – more accurately, walks with him are not what I need to find my center, but they are a blast when I am already centered.
• filling my cup – lots of things fill my cup, but I don’t do them because they all feel selfish. In reality, it’s more selfish to deny myself taking photos, playing an hour or two of computer games, WRITING, READING, and even the occasional man-date.

This morning, we arose early, I got all of my treatments except my Vest done before Boy woke up and then I did my Vest while they ate breakfast. I went for a walk and it felt so good, I ran. My ankle didn’t hurt, so I kept running, and running, and running. I ran nearly twice as far as I’ve run in one stretch since I got off the couch in February (nearly a 1/2 mile) and didn’t trigger a coughing fit. I felt better! I never got really tired or lethargic today, so I’ve got to remember: just do it.

This weekend is Father’s Day and I’m going to go to the gun range for the first time with a long-time friend (another dad of a toddler and a newborn) and I’m really looking forward to that. I should be back to my usual self by Sunday morning!